They say only when you’re writing to yourself you can write whatever you really think (actually they didn’t say that, I say that). I’ve been writing journal to myself for the past 2 years. A small portion of that goes to this blog. Whenever I put those things on the blog, I feel like a girl keeping herself before and during a social event:
Hair. Check. Shirt. Check. Make up. Check. Smile. Check. Behavior. Check. Check check check.
So yeah, now I’m posting my private journal during my last 3 weeks of traveling around US East Coast. Uncensored. Unedited. It’s struggling, insecurity, realization, self-awareness. It’s me.
San Francisco – Chicago – Fairfax – Philadelphia – LeHigh Valley – Fairfax – New York – San Francisco. Dec 04 – Dec 25
Life seems to mess up cos you don’t have good overall control (both short and long-term).
It’s like I want to spend time with people at the place more than going around and explore the city. But it’s because I feel good talking to these people (which in fact I don’t learn anything new, I’d better start learning something new through reading a book ).
The caveman experiment: hide away for at least a week (or 2), meeting a minimal set of people that you really care about. This will save an enormous amount of time; this prove that you don’t need a phone/social identity.
At the end of the day, as long as you have a warm place to sleep, a peaceful mind, you should feel like home.
Birthday – I actually should mention it so that people have excuse to have fun with me.
Why do people care so much about presents? It’s your own dilution, people don’t really expect presents. Sometimes they said ‘buy me presents’ just for the fun of it.
Can’t sleep. Đăng clicking his mouses suck. Why do people are this inconsiderate? I couldn’t sleep the entire night.
People are funny, most of them are friendly but none of them smile back wen you smile at them (except when you’re a baby).
-> Why? Because if you smile at someone especially girl, you feel scared that the other person thinks that you’re into girl. that thought put you into the uncomfortable/weaker position.
Social Experiment: Smile at people when they look at you.
The process of realizing the bad habit subconscious, turn it to conscious front, tame it and then do it consistently to make it become a subconscious.
In Chicago. Meeting with Ted. Ted asked me if I have a mentor. I don’t! And I should.
The MT organoization turns out lower than what I expected. But the people seem to be the right set of people.
You don’t need to travel all the places. Just walk around the city, try to see how people interact. Cos there’s no point going to all the places tourists will go to. Remember you’re not a tourist, you’re a traveler.
A tourist go to city’s attractions. A traveler explores the city, go to places that locals go to.
Be the last proactive person with the people you don’t really want to hang out anymore.
Arrived at BWI airport. Traveled to 3 states today. DK went about 1 hour to fetch me. Stupid mistakes haha.
When I’m high/hyper/happy cheerful, I make the entire mood around me better.
Hey I’m not sticking to any schedule recently and I miss my gf. But finally being able to come to DC feels just great.
Go to Philly from DC. Started the roadtrip. You will be constantly on the run sleeping from places to places. So just remember home is where the love is. As long as you have a place to sleep, decent food and a sane mind, the physical need of a home fulfills.
So remember your routine shouldn’t really change even when you’re traveling. sleep, eat, supplements, personal hygene.
Arrived at Khoa’s place. Philly is nice. Real cozy, unsafe, entering Philly in a car feels like watching a movie, so surreal.
Seems to use my FB cover again. I had this mode where I met with BV guys I expected them to treat me with respect. Truth is why should they; they barely know me.
Spending time on the road for too long, you feel like wasting time not doing anything useful. After all, you haven’t got over the learning vs doing uncomfortable yet.
Mai never responsed to phone/email. I guess she’s in ‘busy’ mode. I was annoyed at first but then found it fsacinating. There are so many meetings in this life that’s useless though at the time you thought it’s important.
I’m too caught-up in this little NOC community finding myself comfort and respect without having to earn it.
You already take your parents’ money since birth. Why are you haggling over the price now.
I don’t like to travel. i feel like wasting a lot of time. this time I travel for 3 weeks, a really long period of time.
Left Philly for Lehigh Valley. Didn’t really meet Mai.
First time having a conversation with a theist. I realize subconsciously I’m sort of a theist, either that or I havent thought about it clearly yet.
I hate to travel. I don’t really enjoy going to new places doing nothing. I only enjoy meeting people. I’m so miserable. Trying to live by until I get back to SF and get to do what I want. I don’t even think I’ll enjoy going to NY. Yes I indeed enjoyed it. Felt a complete sense of self-control during the NY trip. It’s insecurity. I don’t enjoy if I’m not doing anything.
Went to Crayola Museum didn’t really feel it’s worth it. went to car museum, lucky it’s closed.
Went for chau’s community college party. Felt totally refreshed again. Realized I didn’t know as much dancing music as I should, since this is social skills to bring people together.
During the event i feel like wanting to do events (party) as it brings happiness to people.
Told myself ‘fuck it’ when deciding to go for fortune telling:
– pregnancy card
– Whatever your options, make the choice
– You are going to succeed
– I know how to surround myself with friends/people of my choice
– I don’t settle for the mediocre things that come to me.
– Whatever things I want to get with friends/family, it’s a little bit tougher than for other people.
Fortune telling is about reaffirming psychology. It tells you things you want to hear.
If you make yourself useful during anything, you enjoy it more. Today I tried to help out during Chau’s party and I just felt so much better.
Felt tired and high body-temperature lately sitting in the car.
I want to go home badly to start doing all the things I plan, want to do. I imagine i’ll be doing it very productively. Then I have epiphanies.
1/ even if i get home, i’ll be in a totally different frame of mind. will take breaks occasionally. will not have a clear passionate drive to pursue. Fall into these modes over and over and over again.
2/ This is insecure. You rely on working to make yourself feel better. You can’t ‘leave them behind’. You can’t “stone” and do nothing.
This seems to be the longest 3 weeks of my life. It’s better to take occasional traveling than to just go for a long shot. The price to pay for this is just too high, it seems.
I think counseling seems to be difficult. They won’t just be in the right frame of mind. I don’t have specific tangible things to talk about.
You’re using a reasoning thing for an emotion thing, while using emotion to justify for others’ actions. You just mixed them up and manuover the situation to make it better.
I’m so insecure and being defined by the “work” I’m going to produce. It should come from the genuine belief in the idea, not the self sense of insecurity itself. And then when I look around I see peers who do things like VYE, Star-EX, I feel envious because those are things that I wnat to do, and you guys are no where better than me. Remind me of Andrew from Anideo visiting Facebook and observing his reactions, since he went to college with zuck.
Care and appreciate more about the people around you.
Ôn Huệ Minh (Phước) xem tướng:
– trán cao mũi tốt
– tai tốt (có hạt)
– mắt nhỏ –> nên đọc sách nhiều
– mũi chuẩn
– gan thận tốt
– trục cổ tốt, nên học võ
– có sự cố in 20s.
– tỉnh táo trong ái tình.
! Having a personal trainer/teacher is much more better than learning stuff yourself. Time is what you don’t have.
? How to be mindful yet not judgemental
Some people want to travel not merely because they want to see things, but to see things and tell others about them having been there, having seen it (i.e putting pictures on Facebook). Think back about all your tourist/travel trips, all the sights you have seen. Those places that gave you that emotional sense of humility are truly worth the visit. I felt a complete sense of humbleness when I saw Cirque du Soleil Totem in San Francisco; I cried when watching a documentary about Chile mining accident in Natural Museum in DC; and I felt completely grateful after getting into to my friend’s place after hours of freeeezing in Virginia. That’s when the trip is worth the money.
Dec 23 & 24
Went to mall for Arcade. When you dance & feel like s/o is watching you, you don’t dare to make mistakes. When the person is pro you don’t want to be laughed at. When the person is noob you want to stay cool. You end up feeling miserable.
Car crash accident. Got hit by 2 17-yrs old girls while backing cars out of parking lots. DK showed a very cold face when dealing with the situation. Throughout I trying to think of anything good to console the girls while trying to settle this mindfully.
Xmas party at DK’s relative. Didn’t walk up to talk to many of them as much as I wanted. Though i already make progress compared to before.
When you take photos, you try to smile but then it’s not a genuine smile. It can be easily seen. Think prof Teo for genuine smile. Most people keep smiling that way.
Trip is over. It’s time to go home. Home is where the heart is. Half in Singapore. Half in Vietnam.
I got interviewed by my old friend about my internship with Facebook. She started an online ICT news site in Vietnam. Felt a sense of over-excitement and started to think about fixing this fixing that of my site. Realized that’s i’m hyper-excited. At the end, all these stuff dont matter. It’s not how you should portray yourself it’s how you use opportunities like this to get what you want.